Quality of Life

     Being a self-advocate in order to secure a wheelchair for myself--to improve the quality of my life--has led me to reflect on what quality of life is.  I guess it is not possible to establish a checklist--a grocery list--from which you may go to readily identified places, or people to secure the quality of life you are seeking.  That is tempting.  But, it is FAR from realistic.  Yet, some degree of that process must done, with the understanding that a simple checklist will not suffice.
    So, quality of life.  Recent days have brought home to me the questions--the answers to which--have guided me during the past year and a half, since I went on long-term disability.
    Quality of life.  Independence.  Movement.  Help.  Dependence.  Interdependence.  Accommodation.  Partnership.   Ankle foot orthotic.  Bone spurs.  Diagnosis.  Treatment Options.  Surgery.  Cerebral Palsy.  Health Insurance.  Handicap Accessible Doors.  Door Closers.  Family.  Friends.  Community.
    These words have punctuated my quality of life during the past year and eight months.  I am  navigating these words--these questions.  But, I am FAR from arriving at what I want.  It is hard to arrive at a point that I cannot see.  I don't remember what I want.
   Ten years ago, I enrolled in a master's degree program.  Nearly five years ago, family and friends celebrated with me the graduation as a master of library and information science.  Pictures, and a gown remind me of that woman.  Yet, I don't remember her.
   Two years and eight months ago, my 28 years of working full time ended suddenly.  I am not mourning work that I enjoyed.  I didn't.  Yet, I mourn that my determination to make the quality of that work life did not render a more fulfilling career.  I do hold precious a document I compiled--responses to a "Thank You For Your Friendship" e-mail message that I sent to 23 individuals with whom I had worked during 24 years.  These were individuals who I wanted to know what had happened to me.  I wrote the e-mail message knowing that I needed to bring a closure to the ending of a long chapter in my life.  I would not describe any of the 28 individuals as "close" friends.  Yet, we respected one another.  One of the 28 women has since been shot to death, literally, by her husband.  "A harsh ending" does not begin to do justice to the gravity of such a sad injustice.
     I return to the words of those 27 women, as I seek guidance-direction--as I seek to navigate defining phrases--Quality of life.  Independence.  Movement.  Help.  Dependence.  Interdependence.  Accommodation.  Partnership.   Ankle foot orthotic.  Bone spurs.  Diagnosis.  Treatment Options.  Surgery.  Cerebral Palsy.  Health Insurance.  Handicap Accessible Doors.  Door Closers.  Family.  Friends.  Community.
    Some questions have thrown me, and challenged every expectation of the life I can live.  Interdependence does not ring true to me.  It is contrived.  I prefer Collaboration.
     The line between Defensiveness and Willingness to Confront Necessary Realities is precarious, at best.  I don't want to be TOO willing to confront necessary realities whose time  may come to me earlier than I like--earlier than they might come to others.  The time that other people must confront necessary realities cannot be a source of embitterment to me.  That is pointless--destructive--for everyone involved.
     I called into question my own position on the Defensiveness versus Willingness to Confront Necessary Realities Teeter Totter yesterday.  I asked for more than I need at this moment regarding physical accessibility--doors that are handicap accessible.  That is my immediate need as I await getting a wheelchair.  I do make accommodations, and receive help such that a laundry room door and the door to the recycling bins do not need to be made accessible.  Logic being my guide, it seemed wise to take action while I had my courage up.
     A cold slap in the face was my wake-up call.  "By the time people reach that point [needing to have adaptations to laundry room, and parking ramp doors,] they get personal care attendants."
   "I am not ready.  I am not there yet.  I don't want to have my privacy violated--compromised."
    Defensive?  Fierce?  Stubborn?  Unrealistically independent? Unrealistic in my expectations?  Close-minded?  Narrow-minded?
    I hope not.
     Quality of life.  Independence.  Movement.  Help.  Dependence.  Interdependence.  Accommodation.  Partnership.   Ankle foot orthotic.  Bone spurs.  Diagnosis.  Treatment Options.  Surgery.  Cerebral Palsy.  Health Insurance.  Handicap Accessible Doors.  Door Closers.  Family.  Friends.  Community.
     Some issues have been solved.  Others remain.
     Quality of Life.