Grieving A Body

For years after I began to have symptoms of MS, I used language to avoid owning them:  "The left hand doesn't work anymore," I said.  "There's a blurred spot in the right eye."  In distancing myself from my ravaged central nervous system, I kept grief at bay, but I also banished any possibility of self-love.  Only gradually have I schooled myself to speak of "my" hands, "my" eyes, thereby taking responsibility for them, though loving them ordinarily remains beyond me.
                           Waist-High in the World, Nancy Mairs, p. 43
     I understand what Nancy Mairs is describing.  She did not claim to be a spokesperson for all disabled individuals.  Permit me to refer to Nancy Mairs by her first name.  She invites her readers to share intimate details of her life, in the hopes of nurturing understanding by other individuals.  I accept her invitation.  I hope you will accompany me.  Nancy provides a starting point from which to reflect on the "ravaged central nervous system."
     I began to notice symptoms of osteoarthritis ten years ago.  Osteorthritis and cerebral palsy joined forces to accelerate my aging process.  My approach for my cerebral-palsied right hand, and my unaffected left hand has been to personify their relationship to me, and with one another through writing.  When I began to notice that my right hand depended inordinately on my left hand, I conceived of a conversational eavesdropping between my affected body parts.  For a lifetime, I have been called to respond to questions regarding my disabilities.  Early on, it became clear that the more open I could be about my body--about my disabilities--the deeper my relationships with other people would be.  Eavesdropping is frowned upon socially, however, it seemed that writing--writing a dialogue between body parts--could be an effective vehicle to transport questions into answers and understanding.
    I am intrigued by Nancy's comments about grieving, "In distancing myself from my ravaged central nervous system, I kept grief at bay, but I also banished any possibility of self-love."  I think I have taken a different approach than she describes.  Neither one is better than the other.  When I was fitted for my first ankle-foot-orthotic, or leg brace, I knew that I would face a psychological adjustment.  I talked about my brace--about my fears--with my coworkers.  In so doing, I invited them in for two purposes.  Quite selfishly, I needed their help to adjust to the new appendage to my body.  But, I hoped that they could understand what they had within themselves--what their "braces" were--that joined us.
     "Ravaged central nervous system," is a marvelous description.  I am not thrilled by the fact that my right ankle is on her last leg.  I am not thrilled by the fact that I understand the meaning of "homebound."   I have joked that, as I have been trying to secure a wheelchair, I have forgotten what it is that I am trying to get out to do.  Yet, it is not a joke.  It is true.  It is pathetic.  I am driven to distance myself from the pathetic aspect of me--that pathetic aspect.